Parenting through Pet Loss

Like many young couples, my husband and I got a dog before starting a human family. Caring for a dog is good practice for caring for kids… that’s how it goes, right? But that also means that your first fur child will be quite elderly when your human kids are school aged. So many of my fellow mom friends have gone through this in recent years and I knew we would have our time soon as well. Knowing it was coming did nothing to lessen the blow, however.

We bought Tazberry on our honeymoon… she was our wedding gift to ourselves. She’s a Pembroke Welsh Corgi and her name comes from her resemblance to a Tasmanian devil when she was a little puppy. Taz seemed like too masculine a name for a girl puppy so my husband added the ‘berry’ on the end to cute’n it up and it has confused veterinarians and others for years!

She was there with us through 3 houses and 3 human baby arrivals. As more human children joined the family, we ventured out less and less with our fur baby. Dog parks were hard when small children outnumbered parents and so many parks with play equipment do not allow dogs. As the children required more and more attention, the dog got less and less. It didn’t seem to bother Tazberry much though, as she got older she was happy to nap nearby wherever the family was gathered. She had her favorite places to lay down in each room depending on where I was and what other activities were going on. She grumbled a bit when the kids’ play disturbed her nap, but she wouldn’t go nap in a room alone, she just wanted to be near us. She would always lay outside of the kids bedroom doors after bedtime and wait until I was going to bed before coming into the master bedroom to sleep for the night.

As my oldest daughter hit the double digits, my youngest was finally getting old enough to not need such constant monitoring and the attention dynamic started to shift back toward our furry family member. Bella discovered that one way she could experience the extra independence that comes with age was to take the dog for a walk. And just like that, the two of them began to rekindle a connection that had faded since her younger sister replaced Tazberry as a built in play mate. Evie, the animal lover, decided that she wanted to help take care of Tazberry by giving her food and water and letting her in and out as needed. Fiona, my youngest discovered that Tazberry loved to be brushed and that it was something she could do all on her own even as a pre-schooler and she also started a routine of walking Tazberry to the bus in the morning.

Just as the overwhelm of a family with small children and babies is settling down and we could turn our attention back to our fur baby, the rapid passing of dog years started catching up with her and her season was setting. As a parent, I struggle with the guilt and regret of knowing we didn’t make the most of the short life that my logical brain knew we had with her. But when your kids are young, the days a long and the years are so short.

Tazberry would be 14 in March, but sadly, she won’t reach that milestone; we will have a sad Thanksgiving this year. My husband and I sat on the prognosis for a few days before breaking it to the kids. Waiting was hard, and we each made sure the other was able to take some time to grieve away from the kids during those two days. The kids had a busy weekend of activities scheduled so we waited for a quiet time when we were all together for dinner on a Sunday. As I tried to explain her condition and prognosis, my emotions got the better of me and my husband had to take over. I always try to put up a strong face, to model self control and thinking through things instead of just reacting with explosive emotions… but you know what? They also need to see that it’s okay to cry.

I had no idea how they would react to the news. Pet loss is often the first real grief that children experience. Many young children don’t really understand what death means until they have the unfortunate experience of losing a pet or a loved one. For our kids, this is not their first experience with death. We have backyard chickens and death is just an unavoidable part of chicken ownership… but there is a major difference in losing an outside ‘farm’ animal and a family pet. For many dog-owning households, the pet dog is a viewed as a family member, she certainly was in ours.

Fiona (5) was really sad when she finally slowed down to understand what we were explaining, but her brain moved onto something else quickly and I don’t think she really comprehends the permanency of what is coming. Evie (8) started crying immediately, she is a real feeler and has so much love… I could see her heart breaking. Bella (11) was stoic as we sat at the table. As she got up to go to her room, I asked if she was okay and she just kept walking. I could hear her break down as soon as she closed her bedroom door. Wailing and yelling, a mix of sadness and anger about the unfairness of a dog’s life being so much shorter than our own. We gave her a few minutes and then each went in to cry with her.

As we cried together and lamented the unfairness of it all, I asked Bella if she could think of some ways we could make these next few weeks really count. I mentioned a few of my own ideas and she agreed that they would be good. For a child with an anxiety disorder, any change is hard. Feelings, especially negative feelings, are amplified, and it helps to be able to see a picture or a plan for the future. Over the next few weeks, we had some family pictures taken with Tazberry as the main subject, we made a paw print impression ornament with cinnamon salt dough, we gave Tazberry lots of extra love and attention, and we worked together to care for her as her condition worsened.

The kids actually worked though the initial grief over the news of her illness within the evening, certainly faster than either my husband or I. Tazberry seemed to age at hyperspeed over just a few weeks. I struggled with grief daily as I tried to get her to eat and she refused. Evie had a few hard days near the end when Taz really started to look defeated, I think the other two girls are just putting it out of their minds. I had hoped that knowing what was coming would make it easier for us to help the kids cope when the end came even as we are dealing with our own grief, but it seems to have just made the mourning start sooner.

Tomorrow we will take our furry family member to the veterinarian to say our final goodbye. I will be a mess, the kids will be a mess, my husband will likely try to be strong, but privately… he will be a mess too. And it’s all okay. Tazberry has been a part of our family longer than any of our human children, it’s okay to grieve for her and it’s good for the kids to see it. They will be grieving too and it’s important for them see and learn how to cope with loss. To help them through it, I found this great workbook for kids about pet loss and I plan on reading some of it with them tonight after breaking the news that it is time to say our final goodbye tomorrow. “I Miss My Pet: A workbook for children about pet loss” by Katie Nurmi ©

In peace and in love, we will miss you Tazberry.